So, can my cat type?

Why Your Cat Is a Taoist Master (And Your Life Coach Sucks)

By River Eastwood

1. The Purr-fect Wu Wei

Your life coach says: “Visualize success! Crush goals! Hustle!”
Your cat says: “I’ll nap on your keyboard until you pet me. That’s the way.”

Modern science confirms:

• Cat purr frequency: 25-150Hz → optimal vibration for qi harmonization

• Human hustle frequency: 0.5-3Hz → correlates with cortisol spikes

Conclusion: Cats achieve more by doing less. Your “productivity” is cosmic spam.

2. Schrödinger’s Kibble Bowl

Quantum Taoism 101:

• If food bowl is half-full → cat starves (drama mode)

• If food bowl is empty → cat manifests tuna (quantum tunneling)

This isn’t physics. It’s applied I Ching:

Hexagram #27 (颐) : “Nourishment comes not from cans, but from servants who tremble at 4 AM.”

3. The Art of Scratching Posts

Confucius say: “Man who chase promotion lose soul.”
Cat say: “Scratch couch. Claim territory. Demand treats. Promotion come to you.”

Observe the feline corporate ladder:

1. Entry-level: Meow until door opens

2. Middle management: Knock objects off tables

3. Executive: Stare into human’s soul until they self-doubt

Your LinkedIn hustle? Amateur hour.

4. Feng Shui Failures, Cat Edition

Your “expert” moved your desk for career luck. But Mittens knows true geomancy:

• Dead mouse on pillow = wealth cure (offering economy)

• Hairball in shoe = journey protection (roadblock therapy)

• Knocked-over vase = necessary destruction of stagnant qi

Bonus: Your crystal is tasteless. Try licking it.

5. The Cat Yijing (64 Feline Hexagrams)

Hexagram #1: Qian / The Dominator
Lines:

1. Stare at empty bowl

2. Sit beside bowl

3. Tap bowl with paw

4. Knock bowl off counter

5. Sit on human face at 3 AM

6. Receive fresh salmon

Judgment: Supreme success. Servant has been trained.

6. Why Meditation Apps Fail

You: *“I paid $99/year for guided mindfulness!”*
Cat: [Plops onto yoga mat] → Achieves nirvana via sunbeam

Neuroscience reveals:

• Human meditation: 12% alpha wave increase

• Cat loafing: 400% theta wave surge + interdimensional travel

The takeaway? Namaste is overrated. Try naps.

Tonight’s Enlightenment Protocol

1. Locate cat

2. Imitate pose (loaf/sphinx/sprawl)

3. Think: “What would Mittens monetize?”

4. Abandon thought → Nap

Advanced level: Lick own elbow. Report results.

“Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. Tao has cats.”
— Apocryphal proverb from the Book of Feline Changes

Disclosure: No cats were consulted. They’re too busy running the simulation.

Why This Algorithmically Dominates

1. Meme alchemy: Cats + Taoism = 10x shares

2. Subversive truth: Pets do embody effortless action

3. Actionable non-action: Literally tells you to nap

4. Tone: Douglas Adams meets Zhuangzi’s flea

By the way, this was written by my cat. I just typed it.